How Social Anxiety and People Pleasing Are Connected - And What To Do About It
If you’ve ever found yourself saying “yes” when you really wanted to say “no,” replaying conversations in your head wondering if you upset someone, or worrying you came across as awkward, rude, or unlikeable, you’re not alone. Social anxiety and people-pleasing often go hand in hand, creating a cycle of overthinking, over-apologising, and overextending yourself.
As a therapist who specialises in helping people-pleasers, I know how exhausting this cycle can be - both from my professional experience and my personal journey of overcoming these challenges.
The good news is, change is possible! I’m proof of that, and so are the hundreds of people I’ve worked with over the years.
What Is People-Pleasing, and Why Does It Feel Safer?
People-pleasing goes beyond simply being kind, helpful, or doing nice things for others. It becomes problematic when it turns into an ingrained habit of consistently prioritising others’ needs at the expense of your own - often in an attempt to avoid conflict, rejection, or disapproval. If you’ve ever laughed along at something that didn’t sit right with you, agreed to something you didn’t want to do, found yourself preoccupied with trying to figure out if someone likes you, or brushed aside your preferences to “keep the peace,” you’ve likely experienced this firsthand.
For many, people-pleasing isn’t just a habit, it’s a survival mechanism.
If your early experiences explicitly or implicitly taught you that being agreeable kept you emotionally or physically safe, you may have learned to prioritise harmony over your own needs.
In social situations, this can trigger the fawn response; one of the ways our nervous system reacts to stress, alongside fight, flight, or freeze. Fawning involves instinctively appeasing others to defuse perceived threats like judgment or criticism.
For example, you might find yourself saying, “It’s fine!” when it really isn’t, trying to ‘win over’ people you don’t really like or care for, or volunteering for tasks you don’t have time for just to avoid disappointing others. While fawning might feel like the safest or easiest option in the moment, it sends signals to your brain that the perceived threat is real, reinforcing a cycle of fear.
Over time, this pattern solidifies the belief that your feelings and needs are less important than keeping others happy. It leaves you stuck in a vicious cycle that not only erodes your sense of self but also prevents you from forming authentic, balanced relationships.
The Role of Social Anxiety in People-Pleasing
For many, social anxiety heightens the urge to people-please. When you’re overly focused on how others perceive you, it’s easy to slip into patterns of over-apologising, overthinking, and agreeing to things you don’t truly want to do.
You might also find yourself rehearsing conversations in your head beforehand, psyching yourself up to attend social events. These mental ‘preparations’ are driven by a fear of making mistakes or being judged, reinforcing the belief that you need to carefully manage how others perceive you to feel safe.
Or you may find yourself replaying interactions long after they’ve ended, wondering if you came across as awkward or said the wrong thing. These mental habits can be exhausting and reinforce self-doubt over time.
Before I worked through my own challenges, I was an anxious people-pleaser. Group settings made me feel so self-conscious that I would mask my true self for fear of rejection, shapeshifting to fit in, and hiding my opinions to avoid conflict. It was exhausting! Looking back, I didn’t even realise I was doing it half the time.
I was so focused on being liked and avoiding rejection that I barely stopped to question whether I even liked or agreed with what I was doing. Over time, these behaviours eroded my confidence further, led to me feeling dissatisfied with life and kept me disconnected from my authentic self. I ended up feeling like I didn’t even know what I truly liked or wanted from life.
Masking Who You Are to Fit In
When you’re used to people-pleasing and feel socially anxious, masking can feel like second nature. Masking means hiding your true feelings, opinions, or personality to blend in. You might smile when you’re uncomfortable, agree when you don’t mean it, avoid the spotlight being on you, or suppress your preferences to avoid standing out.
Masking might also extend to how you present yourself physically. For example, many people with social anxiety find themselves stressing over what to wear and choosing outfits that help them fit the group’s vibe or minimise attention, even if it means sacrificing their personal style and preferences. This is another way of trying to deflect judgment, avoid criticism or blend in. It may seem like a small thing but it’s just another factor that reinforces the belief that your true self isn’t acceptable.
This is particularly common for women, shaped by ‘good-girl conditioning,’ societal expectations, and certain environments. Many of my clients share how they felt - or were told - as children that they were “too much”; too talkative, too sensitive, or too intense. These messages stick, leaving you feeling like you’re different and need to tone yourself down to be accepted.
Even when you’re surrounded by people, masking can leave you feeling deeply alone, as though nobody truly sees or understands you. And while masking might feel like self-protection, it doesn’t shield you from rejection - instead, it creates a barrier to genuine connection.
After all, how can anyone truly accept you when you’re not showing up as yourself?
The good news is that you don’t have to keep living this way. Learning to honour your authentic self is a skill you can develop, and it’s one of the most freeing things you’ll ever do.
The Impact on Your Well-Being
The constant cycle of masking, shapeshifting, and people-pleasing doesn’t just affect your relationships, it also impacts how you see yourself.
You might leave social interactions feeling like you’ve betrayed your own needs or wondering why no one truly understands you, which can make you feel like an outsider.
Over time, these patterns erode your self-esteem and reinforce the belief that you’re not enough as you are.
But the good news is: these habits are learned, which means they can be unlearned!
By recognising the roots of your people-pleasing and social anxiety, you can begin to break free and build more authentic relationships, starting with the one you have with yourself.
5 Steps to Break Free from People-Pleasing
Build Awareness
Start by noticing when and where you tend to people-please, and with whom. What triggers these behaviours? How do you feel in those moments? Reflect on what might be driving your reactions. Asking yourself, “What might my body be remembering?” can help you identify past experiences influencing your present behaviour.Challenge Negative Beliefs
Pay attention to the thoughts that come up when you feel the urge to people-please, like “They don’t like me because I said no” or “I have to make everyone happy, or I’ll be excluded.” Question these beliefs: Are they facts or opinions? What evidence supports or contradicts them? Over time, challenging these thoughts helps shift your perspective.Practice Small Acts of Authenticity
Change doesn’t happen overnight, so start small. For example, when someone asks for your opinion or preference, instead of saying, “I don’t mind,” try expressing what you really think or want. If someone makes an inappropriate comment in a group, try not laughing along. These small steps build your confidence in showing up as your true self. Make sure you track and celebrate these wins!Regulate Your Nervous System
Social anxiety often dysregulates your nervous system, leading to hyperarousal (racing thoughts, hypervigilance) or hypoarousal (feeling shut down or numb). Grounding techniques like deep breathing, focusing on what you can see, hear, touch, smell, and taste, or moving your body can help you feel calmer and more present in social situations.Seek Support
Unlearning deeply ingrained patterns can feel overwhelming to do alone. A trauma-informed therapist can help you understand the root causes of your behaviours, process past experiences, and develop tools to create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
If you’ve spent years - or even decades (like I had!), prioritising others at your own expense, please know that change is possible.
By recognising the root and role of social anxiety in your people-pleasing habits and taking small, consistent steps to set boundaries and connect with your true self, you can begin to put yourself first without guilt.
You deserve to live a life that feels true to you, a life where you no longer feel the need to mask, over-apologise, or prove your worth through what you do for others.
It’s never too late to take that first step.
Author: Charlotte Bailey
Charlotte Bailey is an integrative psychotherapist with over 15 years of experience. Trained in CBT, EMDR, and Schema Therapy, she specialises in helping women uncover and address the root causes of people-pleasing. As the host of Let’s Talk People-Pleasing!, Charlotte empowers you to say ‘no’ without the anxiety and guilt, guiding you towards embracing your authentic self.
Find out more at www.charlottebaileytherapies.com
Check out her podcast ‘Let’s Talk People-Pleasing’
