Understanding People Pleasing: Breaking Free from Anxiety

Are you constantly putting others' needs before your own? Perhaps you find yourself saying "yes" when you want to say "no," or feeling responsible for everyone else's happiness. People pleasing might seem helpful on the surface, but it can lead to burnout, resentment, and loss of self-identity, and maintain social anxiety.

What is People Pleasing?

People pleasing is a pattern of behaviour where individuals consistently prioritise others' needs and feelings above their own. While kindness and consideration are positive traits, excessive people pleasing often stems from anxiety about disapproval, conflict, or rejection. It's a form of social anxiety that can significantly impact your relationships, career, and well-being.

Signs and Symptoms

Behavioural Signs:

• Difficulty saying "no" to requests

• Apologising excessively

• Avoiding conflict at all costs

• Taking on others' responsibilities

• Changing opinions to match others

• Neglecting personal needs and boundaries

• Seeking constant approval

• Over-committing to help others

• Difficulty expressing disagreement

Emotional Impact:

• Feeling responsible for others' happiness

• Anxiety about disappointing people

• Guilt when setting boundaries

• Resentment from over-giving

• Low self-worth

• Emotional exhaustion

• Fear of rejection or abandonment

• Difficulty identifying own needs

• Loss of personal identity

Impact on Daily Life

Professional Impact:

• Taking on excessive workload

• Difficulty delegating tasks

• Unable to negotiate effectively

• Burnout from overcommitment

• Career stagnation

• Lack of recognition

• Workplace exploitation

Personal Impact:

• Unbalanced relationships

• Emotional depletion

• Financial strain from giving

• Limited self-care

• Stressed personal relationships

• Time management challenges

• Lost opportunities for growth

Hidden Costs of People Pleasing

Long-term consequences include:

• Chronic stress and anxiety

• Depression risks

• Identity confusion

• Relationship problems

• Career limitations

• Financial impacts

• Health issues from stress

• Emotional dependency

• Lack of authenticity

Where Does People Pleasing Come From?

Understanding the roots of people pleasing behavior can be key to overcoming it. Common origins include:

Childhood Experiences

• Growing up with critical or demanding parents

• Being the "responsible child" or family peacekeeper

• Experiencing conditional love based on behavior

• Taking on adult responsibilities too early

• Learning to suppress needs for family harmony

• Receiving praise only for helping others

• Being taught that expressing needs is selfish

Family Dynamics

• Having a parent with mental health challenges

• Growing up with unstable or unpredictable caregivers

• Being parentified (taking care of parent's emotional needs)

• Witnessing conflict and trying to prevent it

• Learning to manage others' emotions early in life

• Taking responsibility for family harmony

Cultural and Social Influences

• Gender role expectations

• Cultural values emphasisng selflessness

• Religious or spiritual teachings about service

• Societal pressure to be "nice" or "agreeable"

• Workplace cultures that reward overwork

• Social media pressure for perfect relationships

Past Relationship Experiences

• Previous rejection or abandonment

• Toxic or controlling relationships

• Bullying or social exclusion

• Learning that acceptance comes from compliance

• Experiencing criticism for setting boundaries

• Past conflicts that led to loss of relationships