Living Your Values in a Socially Anxious World
When anxiety takes hold, life can feel like being caught in a storm at sea.
Waves of self-doubt and fear crash down, leaving you feeling isolated and unsure of which way to turn. The unrelenting wind of anxious thoughts swirls around you, filling your mind with “what ifs” and worst-case scenarios.
Anxiety often tells us that the safest course of action is avoidance—staying away from situations where we fear being judged, minimising interactions to avoid drawing attention, or rehearsing conversations repeatedly to try to say the “perfect” thing.
When we’re caught in the storm, anxiety pulls our focus toward the dangers we fear, keeping us locked on the crashing waves of fear, instead of the direction we want to head. So, what if, instead of focusing on the storm, you could focus on a guiding light?
Your values, the qualities that define what’s most important to you, can act as a lighthouse in the storm. They can provide direction, even when the waters are rough. By connecting with your values, you can find the courage to face fear and take steps toward the life you want to live, rather than letting anxiety steer the ship.
How Values Guide You Through Life’s Storms
Values are what matter most to you—your deeply held beliefs about the kind of person you want to be and what makes life meaningful.
Unlike goals, which are specific achievements you can complete, values are ongoing and guide your actions in everyday life. They help you make choices that align with what truly matters, even in challenging moments.
For example, if kindness is a value, you might choose to support a friend who is struggling, even if you worry about saying the wrong thing. If connection is important to you, you might decide to join a social gathering, even when anxiety tells you to stay home.
Values give you a sense of direction, helping you steer through difficult moments with purpose.
We hurt where we care
Have you noticed that anxiety often shows up most strongly in situations that matter to you?
This isn’t a coincidence.
Anxiety, while uncomfortable and overwhelming, is often a reflection of what matters most to us. It shows up in the areas of life that matter most to us—where we long for connection, yearn to succeed, or strive to protect something we value deeply.
Rather than seeing anxiety as a problem to be avoided, you can begin to view as a badge of honour - a signal that you’re near something meaningful and important. If you feel anxious about social situations, it’s often because you care about forming relationships, connecting with others, or being seen and heard. These are strengths, not weaknesses. While the storm of anxiety may rage, it’s also a reminder of the light you’re sailing toward.
Finding Your Lighthouse: Identifying Your Values
If values are your lighthouse, it’s important to make sure they truly reflect what matters to you. It’s easy to accidentally adopt values we think should matter—like fitting in or being liked—rather than discovering what’s important to us. Taking time to think about what you really care about can help you find clarity and focus.
Try this: Imagine a miracle happens overnight.
When you wake up, all fear of being judged is gone. You don’t feel held back by anxiety, and you no longer worry about what other people think. With that in mind, consider these questions:
• What would you spend your time doing?
• How would you act towards others?
• How would you treat yourself?
• What would feel meaningful to you?
This can help you look past fear and worry to discover what really matters.
You might realise that qualities like courage, kindness, or creativity are more important to you than trying to be perfect or blending in. Once you’ve identified a few values that feel right for you, write them down and choose one to focus on.
Let this value guide your actions and take a small step in that direction. Even a tiny step can help you move closer to the life you want to live.
Navigating Toward Your Lighthouse
Living by your values doesn’t require grand, sweeping actions. Instead, it’s about taking small, meaningful steps in the direction of what matters. For example, if connection is your lighthouse, you might start by sending a text to someone you care about or saying hello in a social setting. If courage is your focus, you could attend a gathering for a short time, even if anxiety comes along for the ride.
The key is to act in line with your values, even when anxiety shows up. Taking one small step at a time builds confidence and resilience. The storm may still be there, but each step forward strengthens your ability to navigate through it.
When the Storm Gets Fierce
Social anxiety can feel overwhelming in the moment, but it doesn’t have to take control. When the storm is at its strongest, you can stay focused on your lighthouse by remembering your values and taking purposeful action.
Acknowledge your anxiety, noticing the fear without judgment or resistance.
Remind yourself of the value guiding your action, whether it’s connection, courage, or something else important.
Then take a small step forward, knowing that discomfort is part of the process and that you are moving in a meaningful direction.
The storm might slow you down or make the journey harder, but it doesn’t stop you from using your lighthouse to navigate. Each step you take reinforces the connection between your actions and the life you want to live.
Your Journey Forward
Living with social anxiety can feel like being lost at sea, but your values give you a way to move forward. They are your lighthouse—a steady light guiding you toward the kind of life you want to live, even when the waters are rough.
By identifying what truly matters to you and taking small, meaningful steps, you can navigate through the storm. Progress, not perfection, is the goal. Celebrate each step you take, no matter how small, as you steer your course guided by your lighthouse.
Take a moment now to consider one value that feels important to you and a small action you can take today to move toward it.
The storm may still be there, but you are moving forward, guided by the light of what truly matters.
Author: Chris Hutchins-Joss
Chris Hutchins-Joss is a BABCP-accredited CBT and ACT therapist with 15 years of experience, specialising in helping adults navigate the emotional impact of long-term health conditions and trauma.
You can learn more about him here: www.remotetherapy.space
